ADHD and the Fear of Being Misunderstood
Wait, am I getting this wrong? Again?
I can’t count how many times I’ve stared at an email or a set of instructions and thought, “Surely, I messed this up somehow.” It’s funny (and not so funny) how living with ADHD turns everyday tasks into tiny stages for potential embarrassment. I could swear I read the directions. Twice. Actually, five times. Still, there’s this gremlin voice whispering, “You probably didn’t get it. They’re gonna think you’re an idiot.”
And that, my friend, is the under-discussed flavor of pain that is being misunderstood when you have ADHD.
Why does misunderstanding cut so deep?
If you live in a brain that’s... let’s say, creatively wired, you’ve probably built your entire personality around over-explaining or double-checking. It’s a survival skill. I found this article on Being Misunderstood with Adult ADHD that describes exactly why we get side-eyed so often: our brains process things differently. We miss social cues. We talk too much or not at all. We get distracted and lose threads mid-story. So when people misread that as careless, rude, or flaky, it stings more than it should.
The real fear: being seen as less capable
For me, the fear isn’t just about getting something technically wrong. It’s the dread that someone will decide, “Ah, yes, this person is unreliable. Let’s not trust them with real responsibility.” I can’t stand that. So I overcompensate. Triple-check. Ask clarifying questions three times in a row until someone sighs, “Yes, you’re fine.” Cool. Now I’m not misunderstood, I’m just annoying. Yay.
How this ties into ADHD and identity
Here’s the kicker: being misunderstood messes with your sense of self. You start second-guessing not just what you said, but who you are. You wonder if maybe you really are careless. Or lazy. Or bad at communicating. It’s exhausting. And it feeds right into that old beast, low self-esteem. (If that’s resonating, you might want to check out how I’m Rebuilding Self-Esteem these days. It’s a work in progress. Like, forever.)
So what do we do with this?
I wish I had a tidy solution for this post, but honestly, I don’t. Maybe that’s OK. Maybe the first step is just admitting, “Hey, this is a thing.” Because once you see it, you can get a bit gentler with yourself. You can remind yourself that misunderstanding happens, and it’s not always your fault. Sometimes people don’t listen well. Sometimes instructions suck. Sometimes your brain zigzags and you just have to laugh.
One thing that helps
I’ve found that slowing down helps. Even if my brain is a Formula 1 car on a loop-de-loop, I can breathe before I speak or hit send. I can ask, “Did I say that the way I meant to?” I can confirm what someone needs from me without feeling like an incompetent robot.
It’s not foolproof, but it chips away at the fear. Little by little. Misunderstood or not, I’d rather keep showing up as myself than spend my life editing every word out of panic.
So yeah. If you’ve felt this too, you’re in very good (neurodivergent) company.
How does being misunderstood show up for you? I’d genuinely love to know—drop a comment or send a message if you feel like it. We’ll figure this out together, or at least commiserate with snacks.